Serious Discussions About Kitchen Redesign #824: Tom Dixon's 'Beat Stout' Light

Ian: "It's a bit BIG. And dark."

Me: "I really want to put one in our house somewhere."

"How big is it?"

"A bit bigger than that one over the coffee table. That one's 45 cm across. The black one is 52."

"That's pretty big."

"Am I allowed to want the smaller version? It's half the width."

"How tall is it?" asks Ian.

"30 cm."

"Does it shine light out of anywhere but the bottom?"

"No."

Ian sighs heavily. "Does it only shine light onto the table top, leaving the rest of the kitchen shrouded in gloom?"

"Yes."

"Hmmmmm."

"I LIKE lights like that. I like to create a cosy atmosphere at a table by plunging the surrounding room into thick, confusing, darkness."

"Is there any light you like that throws light out of the sides as well as the bottom?"

"No. I only like BLACK HEAVY OPPRESSIVE home decor."

"Because I like lights, you see, that actually light the room. Then I can see?"

"But I want a NICE light. I CARE about having good lights. That's why I want ... this massive, dark, black, thing ... that only lights up a tiny patch underneath it."

"A virtually sealed, black expanse of metal. Why don't you seal the bottom? Then it would be even blacker and darker."

I give him a hard stare.

"You could have a tiny door in the side," Ian continues. "You could open the door, to check whether the light were on, and say 'Yes! It's on,' and then shut it again."

"If I seal off the bottom, I won't be able to PUT IT OVER YOUR HEAD when you're being annoying."

"Okay. IF I can have some decent uplighters around the walls, you can have your big, black, pendulous metal testicle."

"It is not a testicle. It is an OBJET D'ART and a THING OF BEAUTY."

"It looks like a droopy testicle."

"It is a BEAUTIFUL ARTISTIC testicle. A big oppressive testicle of aesthetics. It's an aesthesticle."

"Well, if I can have some proper wall lights -"

"Where are you going to put wall lights? We need wall space for shelves, and hanging stuff. Walls are precioussss."

We go into the kitchen, to argue about walls.

"Here and here, either side of the cooker hood -"

"Okay. Yes. And between the door and the small window."

"If I could get uplighters there, in the shape of baskets, and fill those baskets with energy-saver kittens -"

"You know it wounds me when you open your mouth and spew bollocks when we have a rare undisturbed opportunity to discuss our home improvements."

"And the kittens would have LED eyes -"

"Oh, for fuck's -"

"Ow! Look, I only care about good lighting."

"I'm going to get the big light, just to stick it up your bum."