There have been four episodes of cat puke in as many days:
1. Flokati rug, in the front room
A flokati rug is a shaggy woollen thing, one of the least practical surfaces in this house for a cat to puke into. Mine is circular, 6' in diameter. I looked online for washing instructions and hey! The Flokati Rug Company recommend that for rugs smaller than 24'2, throw it in the washing-machine. Rugs with a larger surface area have to be washed by hand.
Let's do the maths:
a = πr2
Therefore, a = π x 9 = 28.278 = Fuck = 6 hours bent double over a bathtub wrestling a conked-out sheep.
Washing a 6'-diameter flokati rug is a wet, musty, physically demanding task that takes all bloody day, and you don't need the extra work because you already have a houseful of housework to do before your extremely tidy in-laws come to stay on Sunday. Here is the damn thing drying on the balcony, after I lugged it wet up four flights of stairs in a bin bag.
Now I'll probably find out the hard way that like pampas grass, having a deep-pile rug hanging over your balcony is swingers' code for GET IT HERE, and we may wake up to find we've made new friends.2. Leather rug, in the basement
I love the basement rug. It's a huge great rag rug made from strips of brown leather. Once upon a time it cost a fortune in Habitat, and it could have lasted a lifetime, but I think its days are numbered. There's only so much abuse it can take. I suspect Derek has been peeing on it lately, because a neighbouring tom crept in and peed on it one night and she's doing her best to make it smell right again. So am I, but Derek is winning. Between her bladder and Clive's gastro-intestinal tract, the rug is going to have to go. Fucking cats.
3. Stair carpet and Mouse's First Christmas
Yes! Stair carpet, we don't give a shit about. It's all that remains of the Fuck-it Carpet; it's all going to be gone in a month. Mouse's First Christmas, meanwhile, is the book I hated so much. All over the cover, Mouse found something catty and pukey! It was cat puke! Oh dear look now we'll have to throw the book away. Cheers Clive.
The stair-carpet puke happened first thing this morning, just as we'd all got up and were coming down for breakfast. I took Clive to the vet and as payback for the rug, I had the vet stick a thermometer up her arse.
(The cat's arse. Not the vet's.)
(Cat! You have puked on my rugs, and on my stairs, and as punishment, you must watch this qualified lady of science insert a thermometer into her own anus. Take that and that.)
4. Outside the back door
This is unheard-of. She actually went outside to throw up. Cats just don't do that. Ours usually come IN to do it. The rectal thermometer obviously gave her something to think about.
So. Poor old cat. Not well. I paid the vet £HOW MUCH to do some tests: it'll probably turn out it was just the wrong sort of cat food.
As I was waiting to pay £HOW MUCH, and Esme was behind me on the floor poking her caring little fingers into Clive's cat box, the receptionist asked, "How old is she?"
"Twelve," I answered. There was a silence.
"Oh," I said. "Sorry. Esme. One and a half."
And if you're wondering why this post is called 'Leaking cats and silly walks', here's the answer:
31 comments:
I find it hysterical that random strangers feel compelled to walk funny along with Ian and Esme. Like, what if he (Ian) normally walked like that, and here comes this guy making fun of him?
Ha! God, that would be a right faux-pas. "What the hell are you doing?"
You know how when you're talking to someone with a strong accent, sometimes you can't help but mimic it? (Maybe you don't, but bear with me.)
I was walking along one night beside a friend who'd sprained her ankle when she said to me, "Why are you limping?" I'd been copying her walk without meaning to.
My cat pukes for no reason whatsoever. I took him to the vet and the vet said to me, (I swear on a stack of Bibles), "Some cats just throw up a lot". I actually paid him to tell me this. Anyway, I know how you feel, nothing like a bunch of cat spew first thing in the morning! Yuk!
PS-Your daughter is just too cute!
My cat upchucks if we feed him anything but his specific cat food (immediately and spectacularly, in fact, usually running from place to place in order to spread the vomit over the maximum surface area possible). He is youngish and quite healthy, aside from the abscessed anal gland which erupted a while ago (now fully healed). So you can at least be thankful that you don't have a barfing cat with an open butt sore (open butt-sore? the sore was open, not the butt. I'm not sure of the punctuational rules for cat bottoms).
This is all to say that, yes, some cats just barf a lot. Especially if they become accustomed to fancy, expensive food that you can only buy at boutique pet shops with limited store hours.
yay to the death of Mouses First Christmas! where will you chuck it? somewhere dark and stinkey like the bin? or somewhere wet and dampy like the compost?
That's it. I'm teaching my nieces to funny walk. RIGHT NOW!
stupidity is indeed contagious. as well as accents. speaking most of the day with a three year old, i have almost completely dropped my s. also, it's fun to say "'Kunk 'Pray! Pssshhhhh" while wiggling one's ass.
I believe my dog may be your third cat. She's only five, but she is frequently incontinent while sleeping on the couch. It's the one we don't sit on, which just means it's the one anyone who comes over sits on.
*snerk* I was sort of hoping there'd be a whole chorus of men in suits coming along and doing the Silly Walk.
I should have known, but never really thought about, how that was such a seminal moment in English history, the whole Silly Walk thing. Huh.
Esme silly walks? I love your kid! If you need a babysitter let me know. I charge $10 an hour (CDN) and you pay my travel costs. Mind you, I'm in Canada, so, you may want to plan a REALLY special evening to merit the cost, but...
Love your daughter's pink shoes! My 3 girls are older now, but I still remember those days...
We have cats, too (3 of those, as well), and had many, many issues with one who we since had had to put to sleep. (sniff...) That cat was very, very fussy about food, so I really think food issues might be it. Have you thought about hairballs? That was always a clue when Max, our beloved Russian Blue now gone, would throw up. LEt the cat outside to eat some grass, which your cat will then throw up, and maybe that will cure everything. Let's hope so.
As I said, we still mourn Max. A friend recently lost her cat, which was horribly sad, so we gave her a really moving book, Tatianna ~ Tales and Teachings of My Feline Friend, as a sympathy gift. It's a memoir of the author and her relationship with her beloved cat. My friend said it was the best sympathy gift we could have given her.
in regards to the fuck-it carpet and mouse's first christmas - hooray for happy endings ;p.
and i like the silly walk.
As a qualified lady of science, if the vomiting is new or increased, running labwork on a 12-yr old cat is prudent.
That said, some cats do just barf a lot.
Great moment with adorable Esme!
Do you ever have that thing where you, let's say, walk into your bedroom and you perhaps turn on a light and set down the book you were carrying and then you turn around to exit and find that you have somehow miraculously stepped over a veritable lake of cat vomit without wetting your toes? I never know whether to be pleased that I missed stepping in it or ticked because now I have to clean it up. Turns out that particular incident (the kick off of about 4 consecutive incidents) had to do with expelling half the strap from my clog which he'd eaten. Fecking cat!
Is it just me, or does Esme look a bit freaked out by the stranger?
And our cats don't puke inside, because they are banished to the outside to catch mice. The dog however? Comes inside specifically to pee on the clean washing pile. Sigh.
Every time you post I laugh so hard I cry. Actual salt tears and difficulty breathing and everything.
Thank you.
Oh god, my cat is puking right now. She got my bed last week when I was away - fuck you for leaving, you cow, and welcome home!
Excuse me.
aaah! de-lurking to say that the video clip reminds me of MY dad! We used to do Silly Walks together too. "Walk this way..."
Hahaha,,,, thank you!
Can you detect my accent?
WAIT! Pampas grass is the code for swingers?
Oh god! I need to find the clippers. RIGHT NOW!
Esme has mastered that aloofness that all small children have in common with cats: they do something silly right up until they catch Mom filming them, and then act like absolutely nothing interesting is going on.
The best part was when the stranger started doing the silly walk too. Too bad Esme didn't humor him. ;)
reminds me of the time that my flatmate and I went to Sainsburys Savacentre v late one night and noticed that they been shifting the aisles round leaving one enormously wide aisle. Flatmate said to me, ooh its so big you could go dancing in it. So we had a little waltz around the aisle.
As we were doing this, some 20 stone Sarf Londoner pirouetted past us going "look at me daaaancing, girls".
I should also point out that this is the same Sainsburys where someone was murdered for queue jumping recently.
Hope Clive picks up a bit. Old sick cats are a worry.
My cats wait till they've scoffed half a dozen small mammels before they puke their guts up; try clearing half digested mousey cat puke up from your bloody COMPUTER CHAIR! :-)
We had a cat who would climb atop the refrigerator in order to puke a) utterly out of the way and b) often. so not only would I have to clean it up, I'd have to climb atop a wobbly stool first.
Fucking cat.
I've done a survey on the swingers and while the pampas grass is a myth, flokati rugs are a true fact. Depending on which side of the balcony you put the rug denotes if you're into 'full swing' or 'soft play', but seeing as yours was right in the middle... Well, just be careful answering the door after 10pm.
My cats favoured peeing. In the laundry, on the couch, in the bath (not actually so bad, that one) pretty much wherever. Then again, there were more than a few occasions where I found myself with squishy cat puke between my toes. So I guess they liked that too.
Why do we have cats again?
The silly walk kills me. I have to teach my son to silly walk! In fact, maybe my partner should teach him. He's awfully good. Perhaps... too good? ;)
My brother has a very fat, older cat who recently started puking all the time (not his normal behavior), and they ran labs and turns out he's diabetic. The cat, not my brother.
He loves this cat so much that he is now providing him two insulin shots daily and special food.
Just sayin... perhaps you ought to have Clive checked out?
I KNEW Britain was like that.
Absolutely Hysterical! you make my day!
Ha! I loved when the stranger joined in, almost as much as I love the quizzical look Esme gives him.
I'm sorry Clive is ill. I hope £HOW MUCH is enough to see her back to frog-catching glory.
Fantastic video! Loved the way Esme obviously realised that the random bloke was a bit odd - obviously fine for daddy to do it but anyone else? We think not!
So sorry about the flokati - we've got one, beautiful but a right pain in the arse. Hope it's ok.
That video made my night :D
Coming so soon after the sheepskin rug/Roger the cat Nastiness, I'm beginning to think that bidding on a used Ebay rug is not the cleverest thing I've ever done. I'm beginning to realise that some rugs have a sad story to tell.
But I do love the silly walks. Straight out of the Ministry.
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