DISCLAIMER: This will either make you laugh, or it will appal you.
When I was out of work and bored, I used to roam adult chatrooms and have online sex with completely random people. Halfway through coitus, I would try to sell them dishwashers, or make up some emergency crisis that I would then attempt to deal with while still in flagrante delicto, or just generally attempt to confuse the issue, not difficult when English was often the second language of the gentleman involved.
I found the best way to really make this work was to open two chatroom windows and pretend to be two different people at once: I still have one transcript in which I am both "Bunny" and "Lolita". "H" and "NAUGHTY_BOY22" were a couple of handsome Lotharios who happened to be strolling by that evening.
Don't say you weren't warned.
H plz sit on my face hun
H let me have it hun
H Seriously I could take both of you and do you till you can’t walk
B I can’t walk anyway
B Still in a splint
H I’m losing my h*rdon
H plz help me ladies
B oh, give it here for Godsake
B is this it??
B tsk
H be nice
H I grab your ankles and lift them over your head
B MIND my splint
H I push into you all at once
H I pound you hard as I bounce u over and over
H bunny are they watching us
L I’ll watch in a second
L Just reading this story in My Monthly
H I pound you again and again
L I can’t believe this story
L Some people are sick.
H I pick u up and pin u against the wall bunny
B Mind the picture rail.
H I push hard into u
H with every thrust u slam into the wall
B Ow! I’ve got a scab there
H ur legs wrapped around me
B I think you just made it fall off
H come here lolita
L Hang on
L I've got a bit of wind
L That's got it
L I scratch myself and come over in no particular hurry
H I reach for lolitas p*ssy as I slam into bunny
L that’s not my p*ssy
L Give that back
NAUGHTY_BOY22 hi ladies
N can I join?
L Have you washed your hands?
H bunny is busy naughty
L I’ve still got trapped wind but I'm basically good to go
N I drive my c*** up yr *ss
L Fine thank you how are you?
H I keep pounding bunny
B You make me feel like a natural woman
N sliding it deeper into your *ss lollita
L Mind my lunch.
H ur p*ssy is so wet
B Sorry. I have an incontinence problem.
H grabbing yr hips as I f*** you
B So embarrassing.
H I lose my balance and we crash to the floor
B dagnabbit
B clumsy
H sorry hun
H I pull u closer and get back into u
B that’s my EAR
B you might have knocked my Franklin Mint Elvis off the shelf there
H this time I’m on top
B he was a Christmas present
H elvis never rather die
N my d*** still in lolitas *ss
L ohhhh you have a Franklin Mint Elvis
L is it one of those ones that plays tunes?
B yep
B push this button here
H I throw your legs over my shoulders and hammer you
B and it sings Love Me Tender
L cool!
L who got you that?
B Dave who used to fix the boiler
B Dave with psoriasis
H I play with both of your p*ssys
L Again, that’s NOT my p*ssy
L Give it back!
L Tsk
L does Dave still come round?
H I start to rub gently at first
B no
B Dave moved back up to Rotherham
H oooooooooooooo its getting very wet there
L My grandma lives up there
H would you ladies care to rest
B Are you still in there?
B Oh so you are, sorry
B Carry on
H foxy are you still there
L We don’t see much of her cos me dad fell out with her a while back
H that’s a shame bunny
B what about?
L Sounds stupid
L but it was over a pair of rubber-footed pyjamas
H I love rubber on my c*ck
B thermal ones?
H r u done with me ladies
B If you’ve finished, I have
42 comments:
You are a deeply ill woman and i will assist you to get the help that you so desperately need, as soon as i stop laughing.
"Sorry. I have an incontinence problem." ha ha ha hah!! *snurffle*
Well, yeah, I am appalled.
You simply cannot get rubber-footed anything in adult, even from the fetish shops.
Hilarious! Thanks for the color-coding, or I'd never keep them straight.
I kept imagining their libidos going up...and down...
You are my favorite woman on earth. And I think I have an incontinence problem, too. Snort.
I've had a hellish week, and you, along with the wine and chocolate ice cream, have helped tremendously - thank you!
So. Damn. Funny.
wow! what a harmless way to mess with people!
nicely done!
"my grandma lives up there"
thanks for the laugh
-zu
I think you are my hero.
That was awesome. I love the incontinence and the discussion on Elvis. Sooooo sexy.
My grandma lives up there? LOL
Genius. You are, without a doubt, my hero.
LOL - I remember this coming out into the open when Ian borrowed Doug's laptop and it changed the irc log-on to Skimpy Kitten. He had some explaining to do, I can tell you :-)
I absolutely killed myself laughing at that! You're brilliant!
My favourite bit is "H" sympathising with the family feud between the father and grandmother: "that's a shame bunny." I can imagine a look of grave concern on his face while he's pounding away. So sweet.
Just when I thought I couldn't love you any more, you bring this out. My raucous laughter brought my whole family into the room, where I had to shield the screen from my now-literate daughter whilst telling Mr. Man "You must read this!".
Thank you.
xoxo,
Lisa
That was great. My fave part was when my 4 year old walked up and asked me what I was laughing about, and was it the new show on Disney...
umm, no dear. it was not.
I don't think I've laughed this hard in weeks, or maybe even months. I can't decide which part is the funniest. Thanks!!
Oh. my. goodness.
This is priceless.
How are you still not making millions, lady? I pulled my hubby (who loves 'reading' porn) over and had a good laugh.
That was FABULOUS!
Holy crap — that was just about the funniest thing I have ever read. My brother was here this weekend and I showed it to him, and he and I about peed our pants reading it.
"I scratch myself and come over in no particular hurry"
...sterling work.
It made me do a little wee in my pant. Excellent stuff.
I think I have a new hero. And even though I'm a poof, I may have just fallen in love with you.
Thank you for the OH-SO GRAND laugh!
THAT is one of the funniest FUNNIEST things I have read in a long long while.
"Mind my splint..." (best line)
thank you!
ooooh bunny makes me hott.
(Joy sent me. She's getting many, many face licks for this referral.)
how the hell did you think of doing that? Now I'm coughing - you know like you do when you've laughed really hard and you get all phlegmy? That's the cough I have. you're nuts but damn funny.
Truly amazing. You are so freaking funny.
Best thing I have read all week! And it's only Wednesday, so I feel quite secure that this WILL be better than anything else I read later in the week! ;)
-Jill
Also, it's fun to *gets bored, puts you on top. Turns on the game*
that's so fantastic. i love the way it doesn't put them off in the slightest - admirably singleminded
bwahahahahaha that is so fucking twisted and hilarious
This post made my day.
I'll link you up, and I will come back for more!
I have a stomach ache from laughing so hard!
Oh my God, is this for real??? I've gotta try this someday!!!
Thanks for the laugh!
Yet again, you have made my cry laughing. I can't believe they actually stuck around for so long!
You had me at:
Oh give it here for God's sake.
Is this it?
Tsk.
Literally crying tears over here.
Hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. Or it could be that I have the flu and so my threshold is much lower, but whatever.
OMG Thats hilarious!!
Oh lordy! That is HILARIOUS.
Takes me back to the old days of the ISCABBS "babble." We got up to some stupid-freaky conversations in there.
You have a wonderfully twisted mind and are going to become one of my regular blog reads. Thanks for your writing!
i was going to go to bed, but i can't stop laughing so I think I'm screwed.
"...you might have knocked my Franklin Mint Elvis off the shelf there..."
Priceless.
Did you ever chat with them again?
ADG
Ooow ... my tummy hurts now from laughing too much while trying not to draw attention to myself. This is genius.
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